The TSA did an awful thing, inflicting pain and suffering on a person already in a great deal of pain and suffering. You’re either familiar with this story, or you’re telling your computer, “I think I’m familiar with this story, I mean, it sounds like all these other stories or maybe I just heard it in passing; I’ve definitely heard of this story”. It’s like me with Das Racist, but instead with you and this awful, awful TSA story.
And, ya know, security and 9/11 and terrorism and all that jazz, so the TSA has no intention of changing its policies. (Policies aside, TSA, treating humans like humans is a real cool thing too.)
But now the TSA offers up a half-hearted apology on its blog. I’m not a security expert, so we’ll put that part way aside, but—hello every girl I ever dated ever—I know me some half-hearted apologies like I know me some similes.
Let’s take a look at it on THE BREAKDOWN BOARD1 :
We do our best to treat passengers with the dignity and respect they deserve,
Can you feel that “but” coming? Does it help if you ignore the comma? Just wait for a minute before you read on. Be sure to take in all the important stuff: dignity; respect.
but
Okay. The “but” is here. Get serious. We’re serious. Don’t forget: dignity. And: respect.
in Lori Dorn’s case, it looks like we missed our mark.
“…Missed and landed squarely on her breasts. Heh. Okay, kidding. Dignity and respect are, like, totally small. They’re abstract thoughts, so can you really fault us for a misfire?”
Also, the TSA wants you to be really clear that it’s only about this one case. There’s no larger narrative here. Between the lines is something like a: “Baby. Baby—oh baby—let’s not bring up the past.”
We sincerely regret and apologize for the experience Mrs. Dorn had at JFK.
“I’m REALLY sorry for the inconvenience. I’m SUPER sorry you feel that way. And I’m WAY clever for shifting the blame off of anyone or anything concrete. As long as it’s off of me, right Sport? Chin up.”
There’s one person this trick works on, and I’ve never dated her. I think it might be Kate Hudson. I’ve had better luck saying “smorry” and “apoologizing”. Maybe mumble it?
The real take away: Don’t apologize for my black eye—apologize for hitting me in the face. With that replica Fabergé egg. It hurt. And I found that at a yard sale in upstate New York. It’s hard to replace is what I’m saying.
The Federal Security Director for JFK has personally reached out to learn more about what happened so he can help ensure that she and others will have better travel experiences in the future.
There’s someone with a big title and he’s learning more because it’s an easy way for him to sound active while making sure you can’t ever measure his success.
Honestly, it’s the most genuine thing here, but it’d read a little better if you weren’t still furious about them apologizing for the effects. Level your concern at the cause, Mr. TSA, ‘cause it’s you.2
While security is our primary mission,
Terrorist mastectomies.
he apologized to Mrs. Dorn for not delivering the customer respect he wants all passengers flying through JFK to experience and offered to meet her the next time she flies through this airport.
Of all the times I’ve apologized, I’ve never offered a meeting with a boring executive at a crappy airport by way of an olive branch.
I didn’t watch Andy Rooney last night, and I don’t like Andy Rooney, and I’m not going to do any Googling here to see if he ever mumble-yelled about the TSA, but shouldn’t Andy Rooney’s crotchity old-man faux anger be a model for our real anger here? There’s a lot of things that divide us politically and economically in the US, but, for just a bit, can we get half as mad about the TSA as Andy Rooney gets mad at LameSpace or Twitcher or that young person thing that he calls something cute?
Maybe if we Tumblr more the world will change. You take the jpegs of inspirational quotes in neat fonts and Merlin Mann and I will do the music videos.
